Coping Mechanisms
In which I talk about some things that have helped me handle this excruciating time
I’ve been walking a lot more than I used to. I think it’s because when we were told that we could go outside for a little bit of exercise or to go to work or the shops, I couldn’t fathom the thought of getting on a bus or a train with people who’d look at me funny and who’d refuse to wear masks.
I usually took the bus to my studio (339, 276 or 488) but I figured out over the summer that it took just about the same time to walk there, and besides, I’d find my way in Victoria Park, which is always a nice little detour, even though sometimes I’d find myself walking beside a person running, without a mask, exhaling droplets too close to me. Either way, I think I’m fine. In a COVID—19 sense, not so much in other ways.
When the U.K. government eased the already kind of floppy lockdown restrictions, I eased up on my own boundaries, too. I’ll let you imagine what I mean by that, else, I’d write about this some other time when I feel less ashamed about what I am willing to do, during a health crisis, just because I felt too lonely and too alone. I do have friends here, and they’re all rather special and generous to me, so I’m not sure what was wrong with me then, to feel like I had to do those things.
Anyway. I’ve been knitting and watching a lot of Survivor. Two months ago, I met a boy, and he was the first person who I’ve successfully turned on to the show. (He’s a Capricorn and a vegan, and he lives alone.) I’ve not been doing a lot of reading, or I read books in bits and never really finish many. I think I figured out early on that I didn’t have the mental capacity to think in the way that reading requires. Though I suppose if you can count reading subtitles as reading, then you could say that I’ve been reading a lot. I watched a lot of k-dramas — to no one’s surprise. It’s one of the few things my parents and I can talk about. My dad has recommended me some of his favourites, and my mum has listed down how many she’s seen from start to finish (40, the last time I spoke with her, but I learned that she counts rewatches, too). They both like Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-joo, which I also loved. I keep telling people to watch Reply 1988, because it is the most precious show.
I think it’s been obvious, but I’ll just say it anyway: I’ve been watching, consuming, listening to a lot of k-pop, and its extensions. My favourite group is still Red Velvet, though I have soft spots for BTS (more as people, if that makes sense), EXO (though mostly Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, Sehun, and Chanyeol), Taemin, ITZY, Twice, Loona, Mamamoo, and Seventeen. I don’t know what happened either, though I feel it’s a bit like finding an anchor to keep you from drifting away. Memorising everyone’s names and faces keeps me from floating off somewhere worse. Seeing how close they are to one another, all of them entwined together in this weird, peculiar boat, is so soothing.
I’ve been learning a bit of Korean, too.
The reason for this letter, however: Burning (2018) and Yi Yi (2000). Two gorgeous movies in parts of the world, other than my home, that I miss. Burning is a Korean slow-burn thriller — quiet and insidious with an elusive ending. I found out at the end that it was based on a Haruki Murakami short story (which explains the role of the woman, but that’s another thing for another day). I never really watched The Walking Dead, but I have a weird feeling of endearment towards Steven Yeun, and he was so good in this film. Perhaps not the best thing to watch if you are in a weird state of unease, though I recommend seeing with a friend who likes slow films that unfurl by scene.
Yi Yi is a Taiwanese drama that sprawls over three hours and circles around one family. It is so beautiful and perfect, with the best little boy, who was the best part of the film (in my opinion), because of how he makes sense of life as it happens around him and his family. It is my first Edward Yang film, though I feel like it will remain my favourite one. Every time I remember the closing scene, I tear up. If you can find it, please watch it. I feel like it will change your life, too.
And, last (at least for this letter), but not the least: hot water bottle.