The Second Structure of Feeling

I’ve been writing about my life online, and the things that have brought me joy and meaning since I was fourteen. Sometimes, it feels like I shouldn’t have done that, but the life I have right now wouldn’t be the way it is, if not for this (some would say) weird compulsion to share everything.

Hal Foster calls melancholy “the second structure of feeling.” I have always thought that I had a proclivity for sadness, but I’d like to think that I’ve tried to look beyond this melancholy to a place where life can happen beautifully despite these things. At least, that’s what I’ve attempted to do, and that’s where I’ve found myself to be.

Writing these letters is my way of trying to make sense of things in the earliest way that I’ve used to process my thoughts and feelings: writing. I found my way into art and culture later on. I think I’ve been learning how to read and speak through these lenses, too.

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My name is Carina

I am a 32-year-old queer Filipino living in London, England. I moved here three years ago, and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’d like to think that I make stuff on most days, but the reality is that I watch a lot of television and think way too much about things instead of doing them. My to-do list is massive, and my resolve not that great.

I am very happy to be here, and I hope you are, too.